My Daily Online Journal
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This journal was created to help other people understand what goes through my head and what
my feelings are on certain things. It was not intended to be offensive and should not be
percieved as offensive. It was simply put up for enjoyment and some of the more fundimental
means of figguring out how I am feeling or what I am feeling.
I HAVE EVERY REGRET ABOUT PUTTING THIS ON THE WEB!!
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THERE ARE ERRORS IN SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION,
I HOPE TO GET THESE CORRECTED SOON SO THEY EXIST NO MORE
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Friday September 28th, 2001
Went to the homecoming game. Didn't watch it much. Tried to keep Arina warm and accomplished that task, but I got sick in the process. I didn't care cuz my task was to keep the cold away from Arina and I did. I thought the whole time we were at the game that she was so cute, cuz she is.
Saturday September 29th, 2001
Went to the homecoming dance. Got the shit scared outa me cuz there were so many people. I hate large groups. We couldn't stand it any more so we both went into senior study and just sat and talked while we drank some soda.
Friday October 5th, 2001
Went to the teen center first and talked with Arina. We met up with a fiew of her friends and then went to the football game. At the football game I sat there shivering not because I was cold, but because I was scared. Scared of what you might ask. Honestly I really don't know. All I know is when Arina put her arms around me I felt so loved and the being scared left me. I LOVED IT!!
Saturday October 6th, 2001
Went down to Arina's moms house and worked on my computer. Arina and Jerry (her brother) came along. While I downloaded stuff, she chatted online and after a while we both sat down and watched some movies (Blade, and another one on vampires). I thought they were pretty damn cool movies.
Sunday October 7th, 2001
Didn't sleep at all last night. Had Arina on my mind all night. I was thinking about what would happen between us and where it would take us later.
Monday October 8th, 2001
Didn't sleep at all again. Left a message on my girl friends page
Tuesday October 9th, 2001
Third night of no sleep. Not much to say. Brain not functioning. ARGH!
Wednesday October 10th, 2001
Fourth night of no sleep. Left another message on my girl friends page
Thursday October 11th, 2001
Fifth night of no sleep, but got message back from Arina. I cracked in the morning and went insane from not getting sleep for that many days.
Friday October 12th, 2001
Sixth night of no sleep. HAPPY! HAPPY!! HAPPY!!! Todays friday and I get to see Arina at the teen center. We didn't talk much tho. She invited Dan, and Allan to a sleep over at her moms. I couldn't go, otherwise I would have. Everyone at the teen center noticed that something was different between the two of us (Arina and me). I was quite depressed cuz we didn't talk much and I felt completely left out. When I got home that evening, I didn't sleep cuz I had a feeling I screwed something up between the two of us.
Saturday October 13th, 2001
Went down ot Arina's moms house and got my computer worked on. Arina's mom made Allan, Dan, Arina, and me all breakfast. Allan left cuz he had to be home. Dan and Arina slept and me and Arina's mom worked on my computer. I wanted to wake her up before I left with a kiss on the cheek, but later chickened out cuz I didn't know how she was going to react or what she was gonna do. I chewed myself out that night because I never gave her that kiss. DAMN I WISH I HAD DONE THAT!!!! I sent her an email that said "I feel so guilty right now. I feel as if last night I screwed something up but I don't know what. My insides have been grabbed, ripped out, and smeared all over. I'm only telling you thins so you know why I'm going to be kind of depressed when I some over later today. If you get this email you'll know otherwise it'll just be forgotten. Well, I've got to get back to feeling guilty and cleaning my room. Hope you have a wonderful day that continues for a long time still."
Sunday October 14th, 2001
Go back down to Arina's moms house and work on my computer again. Dan and Arina were sleeping and I didn't wanna wake them up. We worked on my computer and found out my hard drive was bad and was still under warantee. Was really depressed today and Arina's mom could tell. I slept in the kitchen while she worked on it. Then she had to wake up Dan and Arina to take them back to the falls to her dads house. I didn't say anything and left the house and proceeded home. I wasn't mad at all. I just felt left out and depressed cuz I got absolutely no attention. Arina's mom also noticed I was like this again and tried to get me to wake her up to talk to her. I said no cuz she didn't sleep much that night and I wanted to let her sleep.
Monday October 15th, 2001 - Thursday October 18th, 2001
Not much happened here. I think it might have been red ribbon week or something. If something did, I don't remember. I was depressed the whole week and didn't put any thought into school or anything. I personally didn't care. Only one thing that I cared about was on my mind, and that was Arina. I spent that whole week to try to figgure out where I screwed up, but didn't find anything.
Friday October 19th, 2001
I go to the teen center and Vikki (SP? I'll fix it later if its wrong) asks me if everything between Arina and I was ok last week. I said I wasn't sure and then proceded to tell her the story of the weekend last week. I told her how I felt and what happened. Then Arina showed up at about 6:30 and was gonna go to Annas house for the weekend. At Annas they were gonna go to a place called Mad Planet where they danced and stuff. Anna picked her and her brother up and went to her house. I stayed there and was depressed the rest of the night.
Saturday October 20th, 2001
Went over to a friends house and worked on his computer. Waited for a call from anyone to say when the group (Arina, Dan, Allan, and Anna) were gonna go to Mad Planet but never got one. Depressed that night and decided to go sit outside on the front lawn and be depressed.
Monday October 22th, 2001
Called Arina from home. Didn't say much to each other. Was depressed and went out in the rain to "wash" away my growing depression. Helped a little, but not that much.
Tuesday October 23rd, 2001
Called Arina up at work. Accidentally woke her up from her nap. OOPS! Depressed again during the day cuz I haven't really interacted with Arina in weeks. Asked her if she was coming to a BBQ me (the expert grill cheif) and some of my friends were going to be having and found out she couldn't come. Became more depressed cuz I wouldn't see her on friday or on saturday at the teen center. I got stupid ACT's to take.
7:50 PM Clicked on why Arina was acting the way she was. She wants me to take the next step because she took two of them herself. DAMN I WISH I FIGURED THIS OUT BEFORE!!! I just wish I wasn't such a coward and would have given her that kiss. I regret not giving that kiss to this day, but vow to myself that it will not happen again. Never will I let my true feelings get out of hand and never will I let an opportunity go by I should have taken.
Wednesday October 24th, 2001
Had the BBQ today and it was great. I almost burnt the house down and blew it up (long story). After that we went to Target and bought Grand Theft Auto III for Playstation 2. The game was kick ass! After that I went over to a friends house and we started to watch a movie. She had Smiertoff Ice there. I didn't drink, never have, probably never will. Then I had to come home and thats when my girl friend (now ex) called me.
10:12 Well, we broke up. She called me to tell me this. I kinda thought it was going to happen. No surprise. She thought it was really weird though how I reacted to me being dumped. I said "You have free will to do whatever you please and I'm not going to tell you what you can and cannot do." She was like "really?", and I was like "yah."
I think that because she was going to do this break up, that she figgured if she didn't like me what was the point in going there anyways. If I was going to go there with someone I didn't like, why even go there at all. Not to make her sound like a bitch (which she isn't at all), but I think that might have been what she was thinking. Not because of her father saying no, but because she didn't want to go.
Thursday October 25th, 2001
Got up early in the morning for work. Didn't feel like going in, but I did. I got a huge amount of things accomplished that morning. I have no idea how I did it, but I did.
Friday October 26th, 2001
Got up early for work again today. My boss was impressed with the work i got done on a project i was working on. The project is to design a tank to hold coolant and have the ability to pump it from unit to unit. It has to be able to filter the coolant at the same time.
Saturday October 27th, 2001
Well, got up at 6:00 in the morning to take my ACT's and they went alright. Then later in the afternoon, my family and I went over to my cousins house to celebrate his 18th (18st Birthday [Justin, you'll get this one]) birthday. On the ride home I was just doing some simple astrological projections and someone appeared in them. It was a woman that had dark hair that went down to her shoulders. A sweet soft looking face, and a black dress that flowed in the wind that was present. She then leaned foreward and gave me a little kiss on the lips, held my hands together and then vanished. I have no idea what this meant or what it's supposed to signify, but I liked it.
Sunday October 28th, 2001
First day to accually think about what just happened with loosing my last girl friend. I was really depressed at the begining of the day. So confused. Didn't know how I was feeling, or even how to feel for that matter. I perked up a little after that and knew that it was over for a reason. The reason I did not know but I knew it was for the best. Then I thought about that its not completely over, we can still be friends. So see yah friday Arina, Jerry (Arina's brother), Jordan (Good friend of Arina. He's cool), James (umm, gonna be blunt. He's gay), and all the supervisors from the teen center.
Later that night my dad started to bitch at me about my english that I didn't do. Then he kept grabbing me and yelling at me telling me that I never do anything around the house. I just took my ACT's this weekend so WTF I couldn't have done anything except study for those tests.
Later yet that night I proceded to leave the house and almost killed myself by driving really fast(60-70 MPH) down the road that has the most curves, dips, and intersections in the whole area. I got the car up on two wheels and almost crashed. I didn't care and when I got home and got yelled at more I wish I would have crashed it.
The rest of the night I had dreams about how I would kill myself and each way I would do it was sick and twisted, but they were successful in completing the task I wanted them to. The task, being dead.
Monday October 29th, 2001
I didn't care the whole day and had an English test today. I accually think I did alright on it. I was even really iffy about coming home tonight from work. I could have gone over to a friends house and stayed there till I knew he went to bed. That would have been alright with me. I'm like "One step closer to the edge and I'm about to break (One Step Closer By Linkin Park)"
Tuesday October 30th, 2001
Tired, all I did was sleep tonight.
Wednesday October 31st, 2001
Well, it was quite busy at work and stuff with the ISO 9000 auditors coming and all. All I can say is it was busy.
Thursday November 1st, 2001
Tired, realized something. I haven't been eating much and have been eather depressed or tired or both most of the day. I have really no idea why, but that's the way I am feeling. I really wish I knew why I am feeling this way lately. It would help me out. Another thing I discovered is that most (98% of em) of the smokers are pretty empty inside. Maybe this emptyness is what causes them to smoke. All I know is that it takes a lot out of me if I try to fill that emptyness myself.
Friday November 2nd, 2001
Did a bunch of nothing at work and at school today. In fact I don't even remeber what I did! Went to the teen center in Menomonee Falls and saw Arina, Jerry, Jordan, and a bunch of other people I dunno who they were. Had fun doing a bunch of nothing. Got some sleep and talked a bit, otherwise that was it. Ohh Arina, that "ditzy" girl that was there when we first met (umm short, big chest, umm short, and all like "Hiyah" [got her name from Allan. Names CC]) she was there and was all like in my face as a joke and it kinda scared me cuz it seemed that she liked it. I didn't, well not much atleast! To be honest a little (really little) part of me was like "HELL YAH!!" I never act on these little instincts that go thru the back of my head. I mainly just ignore them. Only on rare occasions do I accually let that side out.
Saturday November 3rd, 2001
Well, took my brother (Alex, who's 13) to the teen center tonight along with my neighbor (Paul, who's 15). We got half-way to the teen center and then i remembered I forgot my wallet. We went back to my house and grabbed it. Drove to the teen center and Jerry was waiting outside and had a better place to go. We decided to go to the other teen center in sussex. It was alright there. I was tired and wanted a place to lay down and sleep but I couldn't find one. We goofed around there for about an hour. Then we left and went down a road called mill hill. Didn't know what to expect so I took the hill slower than everyone else. Then we went back to the teen center. We met up with Arina and all the other people. Then we call Dan and he needs someone to pick him up. So me and Jerry go and pick him up. We picked him up and then went a little off track and went into a gravel parking lot that K Mart had hidden in the back and did some douhnuts and had fun there. We then were leaving and i grinded with my car on some of those little concrete barriers that stick up about 6 inches off the ground. Then went to the teen center again. We deided then that we were all hungry and left for Pizza Hut. We picked up some pizza and had fun there. Then we went back to the teen center and then I needed to get my brother home so we left.
Sunday November 4th, 2001
Did nothing except sat on the internet all day in my room in the dark. Talked to Jerry a lot about why the hell I'm so scared around girls. He told me his 5 step process, but i added one more to it and it was 6. Get some fuckin balls.
Monday November 5th, 2001
Went to the eye doctor after work and am trying to type this and can barely read it on my monitor. I'm squinting with my face close to my monitor trying to read what I just wrote. GEEZ, just looked at my eyes. They are open wider than a five dollar whores legs during her busy nights.
Tuesday November 6th, 2001
GOD DAMN IT!! Why the hell can't I get Arina off my mind! Every day there she is in my head. It's driving me insane. I know our relationship is over between us as boy friend and girl friend, but I can't help but think of her every day. WHY IS THIS?? It's bothering the hell out of me because I know we can't be more than friends. I also know the connection is not there, and I know finnally that a relationship between us isn't gonna happen. Now with all these drawbacks, why do I still want her. Why her? I've never wanted anyone else that I have had before. It's so weird that even I cannot explain it and wish I could.
Wednesday November 7th, 2001
Well, it's Wednesday. Not a whole hell of a lot happened. I was completely lost the entire day and couldn't remember a thing for longer than 2 minutes. I had no coordination at all. I kept falling over and running into things
Thursday November 8th, 2001
Well, worked till like 4:30. Then went over to Jerry's house and hung out there. Did a bunch of nothing. Then Arina came home while we were gone and then we all went out for pizza. Arina's dad payed. He scares me. While at Pizza Hut me and Jerry talked while Arina sat quietly and read. She seemed so depressed while she sat there reading. SiGh! She's so confused about the world in which she lives in. She doesn't know what's real or what's not, what to believe in or what not to believe in. All I know is I wish I could make that all disappear in her and let her see the world she never comes out and sees. The world that is just one small step above the one she's on. I'm not saying that I'm better than she is, I'm simply just showing her the simple things she seems to miss from day to day. I want to help but definitally not hurt. This might be why I'm having such a hard time letting go of her is because all I really wanted to do from the begining was to help her and guide her where she needed to be taken. Altho in the process of trying to take her I will most likely get too scared to do anything and chicken out. GEEZ, I am such a fuckin coward and I really wish I wasn't. If someone breaks that cowardness within me, thats the one I am going to most likely marry. I just wish I could help Arina out. I feel so useless and ........ well, useless. I also think i figgured out why I don't like getting attached to people. I'm afraid of all those years of putting up with what my father has done to me has made me afraid. Afraid of turning into him, or at least someone like him. That's my biggest fear.
Friday November 9th, 2001
Went to school. Did a bunch of nothing like always. Doodled on my hand and arm. CHECK THIS OUT!!!
Saw Arina and Jerry fighting towards the end of the night with their father. Told some people how easy off Arina has it compared to my dad cuz she thinks I got it easy. What happened was Arina's dad originally said it was okay for Dan to sleep over at their house. Because Dan took so long with his girl friend, she thought Arina was a little slut and was going to sleep with him, Arina's dad then said that he couldn't sleep over. Then Arina and jerry refused to get into the van because he wouldn't let Dan sleep over and she wanted to go over to Dans then and sleep over. They walked over to Dans girl friends car and Arina's dad followed in the van yelling at her to get in the van. Now if that were my fater he would have came out, grabbed me from the car and dragged me into his car and taken off. Now if I would have locked the door seeing he was coming, he would have broken the window, grabbed me out thru the broken window, and put me into his car. If we would have driven off at any time, he would have had the cops on my ass along with everyone elses. All Arina's dad did was yell at her to get in the van. See why I thought she got off easy.
Saturday November 10th, 2001
Slept all day and listened to music at my Uncles cabin. Some pretty girls (who were about my age) were invited to this thing at my uncles house. All I did was curled up into a little ball and sat there on a couch on the upstairs balcony. I was both scared of them (not because they were ugly, i just didn't want my heart broken another time. I figgure the right woman for me will do whatever she has to do to get me even if it means going over and talking to me and maybe just talking to herself because I wouldn't respond. My hearts been broken two times now and I didn't want it broken again.)
Sunday November 11th, 2001
Slept again and listened to music until it was time to leave. Came home and slept more. Worked on homework a bit too. God damn it. My dad just got in some random pissy mood and started yelling at me about my computer and how homework doesn't get done. I don't know what the hell he's talking about but my homework gets done all the time. Then he barges back in here and says that he doesn't want me arguing with mom. I didn't even know she was up here and I haven't talked to her at all tonight. Then he started yelling about ruining the weekend for everyone yet I didn't talk to anyone or do anything to anybody. GOD DAMN IT! Evvery time he does this it makes me more and more suicidal. Eventually I'm not going to be found responsible for my actions and I'm going to do eather something I'm going to regret or so spontaneous no one will expect it. And sometime in the evening I know he's going to barge back in my room and yell at me for something else I did (but really didn't). All I'm feeling are cold shivers moving around on my body and every time that happens my suicidal feelings keep growing.
memories
some are burried in the back of your head
there they rest until they are dead
long and gone they sit there and wait
until one day they are dug up from benieth their slate
once dug back up they run rampant
they destroy what they can
and damage what they can't
leaving a person tired, suicidal, and depressed
they can be burried again
but they come back when anger digs them up
the cycle continues, it never stops
until the depression leaves or the anger rots
many people leave this hellish world
leaving behind their fears, dreams, and hopes for another soul to destroy
Monday November 12th, 2001
Woke up really depressed and couldn't figgure out why. Found out why I was depressed during the first hour of the school day. It was because I'm open to everyones emotions and since someone died (Shelby Austin). I never really talked to her much if at all, but from what I saw on a day to day basis she seemed really nice and accually kind unlike the rest of her friends. I was trying to get rid of most of my friends sadness and other bad feelings that they were feeling and it was quite exausting and was a problem once I became tired. Then I went to the doctor and got stuff done there like blood drawn to see if I have mono.
It was accually kinda weird that most of the day I sat and thought about a girl that I met on the internet (Porcelain Rain). She's sweet and really nice dispite her shyness. I accually kinda like her. I'm excited at the same time of being my normal depressed self. All I looked foreward today was being able to talk to her tonight online. It's really weird to me that I'm starting to think about her instead of Arina. I mean I like her and I don't even know her name.
We talked most of the night but then I started to do my usual close myself up approach. I HATE IT WHEN I DO THAT!! I tried to resist it but it didn't work like always. It never works. When I close up it is a complete close and I hate it when I do that. It ruins more than it protects. I think it might be because I'm afraid of both commitment and rejection. Closing up has always ruined all my relationships and until someone can break that seal then I will never truely be open with them. I've tried to break it myself and it never worked.
Tuesday November 13th, 2001
Had a shitty day at school in the morning. Went to gym and our new unit is bowling. We went to the local alley and had lots of fun goofing off there. Then we went back to school to finish off what classes we needed to. Then I went to work and had a fun time "working." Then I went out to a movie with one of my friends and saw Rush Hour 2. FUNNY ASS SHIT!! Then I became like really really fuckin hyper from all the PEPSI I drank. Then I got home, talked on the internet, and then updated this page. Well my day has been quite exciting but I must end like all books must end. C YAH!!
The grass that lay
upon you all day
reminds me of you
as I stand here waiting
waiting for you to appear
nothing happens and reality turns to fear
I wait all day, and I wait all night
for the one true time you appear
then everything is fine
but that day never comes
and here I still wait
letting time pass
and the grass grow
and the stone that was
is now faded and gray
altho I did not know you
your death is still hard to pass
someday we will meet again
and these memories allas
will come forth and clear me out
for the fear, the doubt disappear
into a blinding light
that I shall never fear
WRITTEN IN MEMORY OF SHELBY AUSTIN
Wednesday November 14th, 2001
Day was pretty fucked up from the begining. I was so fuckin depressed because I wish I had something to really care about. I never have, and I wish I did. Life never matters to me anymore. It's like something I don't want or don't really need. I guess this is why I'm suicidal all the time or really depressed. Well all I know is I helped both Josh and Sarah with their break up (I wished it wouldn't have happened and should never had eather). Then his mom got home and he told her. Then his stepdad came home and we told him too. He asked me then if I wanted to go to a concert tomarrow (COLD!!!) but I said I'd ask my parents. Then I had to leave to get home.
First thing when I got home was, "WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU!?!?" I answered quietly. Then he turned all pissy and threw a soda bottle and slammed his cup on the table as he yelled at me telling me that all I care about is other families. Inside I told myself, hell most families aren't as fuckin disfunctional as ours is. He started using some weird annalogy of "Who butters your bread? Do Josh's parents butter your bread? NO WE DO!!!" I went up to my room to start on my homework and he calls me back downstairs and procedes to yell at me more. He yelled about not being able to go out the rest of this week after work and that the weekend was going to be taken up doing the things he felt needed to be done around the house (sweeping the leaves, taking down the holloween decorations, setting up the christmas ones, ect.). After he was done with his whole thing I went back upstairs to try to get started on my homework a second time. My mom comes in and gives me this fuckin scenario about how her father, when she came home late one time, slapped her and told her she was late for dinner. I was like "OKAY?!?!" Then she asked me if I really called the house (which I did twice but never left a message) but because our phones so fucked up they didn't know I did call. Just to get in the last word in an argument as he walked down the stairs he says "Bull Shit, you never called otherwise you would have left a message." I felt like replying "FUCK YOU DAD, Just ask Josh's parents and Josh if I called here."
When I have to deal with this shit on a daily basis, I begin to change. Especially when I tried to kill myself a fiew times (the car incodent was the worst altho I didn't get hurt). You begin to value life less and less every time. It starts to turn into hell and I begin to think that maybe its not all what everyone makes it out to be. At times I wish I would have ended it long ago.
I seldom if ever hear "I love you son" from my dad. He usually says it when I'm not awake or when he's trying to suck up to me after he yells at me (once or twice this has happened and that was only because I was really pissed at him). SIGH, is life really worth it? I wish I knew. Everyone else seems to know, but why do I not know? I think I might be just completely fucked up or something. All I know is life has not shown me once why I should stay here and live. Why I shouldn't die and leave this hellish world. I don't know why I stay, why I eat, why I live, why I work, why life seems like a dream I am waiting to awake from, or have I already been awoken? Life is a mystery, a puzzel, most of us try to figgure out, others say fuck it, it takes to long and leave. Others stick around not knowing how they make it from day to day still alive.
SO I leave today with a message best described on a TV show, "I AM THE WEAKEST LINK, GOOD BYE!!"
Thursday November 15th, 2001
Started out like all the other days have. Was pretty much a shitty day. Then while leaving school to go to work I got pulled over and got a ticket. I'm not mad at anyone except myself. In fact while I am typing this I am chewing myself out for the ticket. Not because of the money or the points, but because of me trying to always get to work fast. My mom originally tried to get me to start there at 3:15, but I refused and said I wanted to get there at 3:00 so I wouldn't hafte work late. I wish I wouldn't have made that decision. My dad didn't yell at me. He said you have to learn form your own mistakes and I accually thought that was a hell of a lot better than being yelled at all the time or all night. Then while he was talking to me he said that the police officer that pulled me over he talked to. Apparently he thought I was really nice about the whole thing and might get the ticket lowered or even taken off the record. I didn't really care that much about the ticket. I looked at it as more of, how can I fix this so it doesn't happen again. I fixed the main problem by starting at 3:15 (like my mom originally said) instead of my 3:00. You would most likely think that a little part of me would be mad at the cop for pulling me over, but I'm not. He thought I was so nice to him he told me how to get the ability to get the ticket lowered and the points lowered, or to even get the ticket voided so only if something in the next six months happened would I get a stricter punishment. I thought the cop was nice in giving me that information. Well I'm feeling better that I typed this up and am not feeling as bad as when I started typing, but I still am shaking from nervousness.
Friday November 16th, 2001
Nothing exciting today to talk about. Went to school, then work, and then home. That was it. Ohh wait, in senior study today we played some really weird game called True Colors. In the game they ask questions and see who they apply the most to. I was voted the one for things like "If reincarnation were true, who would come back as a fox?" and "Who is most likely to press all the buttons on an elevator before they got off." I talked to jerry online and he said that the teen center was missing a sponsor because the previous one dropped out. THat wasn't good because that can mean the total shutdown of the teen center.
Saturday November 17th, 2001
Helped my dad out a lot today. We stared winterizing the boat and that was a lot of work because this season we needed to take apart the whole lower unit and check the parts and replace some of the others. I also put up some of the christmas lights on the gutters on the garage and the house. Then I wanted to go to the teen center tonight but my mom was all over me and my homework. So I decided not to go so I wouldn't be bitched at all night.
I just realized this. Was my relationship with Arina really a boy friend and girl friend relationship like we both made it out to be? Why do I still feel for Arina even though I constantly tell myself I can not have her? I know she likes Dan, but Dan has a girl friend already. Why the hell do I know what happened to her on a daily basis or how she's feeling? Geez, it's like we're connected or something. I wonder if she knows how I'm feeling if I know how she is feeling? Why am I so fuckin shy around her? I hate that when I am so shy around her or any other girl. My mind is like the littlest amount of liking this person turns into a show of commitment in my mind which will cause me to shut down all contact with this person and turn me completely shy. This is all done subconsciously and I have no control over it. I wish I did, but I don't.
Sunday November 18th, 2001
Not a whole hell of a lot happened today. I studied for tests, talked on the internet, and did a bunch of nothing else. I had a headache most of the day and also felt tired and depressed, but other than that I was fine. Then I got to wishing that I had someone, like a girl friend. I have never been loved much and love was never here inside of me. I dunno what love feels like and to be loved by someone would be great. SIGH, but thats not going to happen so I have to deal with it I guess. It's almost like I'm not scared of commitment, but accually scared of being loved. I dunno. All I know is how I feel towards Arina is best described in the song Crazy For This Girl by Evan and Jaron. When we saw each other for the first and second week, I felt so loved and wished it would continue and never stop. It didn't stay like that and we broke up (she broke up with me).
Later in the evening my mother started to piss me off because she kept nagging me to get off the internet while I was trying to upload my web page and some stupid banners started to keep poping up every five seconds because my free internet program kept looping the same banner.
Monday November 19th, 2001
It's right now 1:19:31 AM and I'm listening to the song "Crazy For This Girl" and staring at a picture of Arina. Why could such a little person that I never knew before have this big of an affect on my life? I wonder this every day as I sit here looking at her picture and listen to the same song. I wonder is she the one? Why do I feel so strong towards her, yet I cower in fear when I see her? And does Arina know how I feel towards her? I wish I had the courage to show her, but I don't. I felt so loved and relaxed in the begining and I wish that would come back. *SIGH of depression* *Stares at picture of Arina* "Would you look at her as she looks at me, she's got me thinkin about her constantly, but she don't know how I feel. She carries on without a doubt, I wonder if she'll figgured it out, I'm crazy for this girl. Yah I'm crazy for this girl." *SIGH of depression again* *Tries his astrological projection and gets to her room, sees her curled up on her bed with jerry on the floor. Curls up behind her and gives her a hug, and then a kiss on the cheek. I wisper "I love you Arina" in her ear. As I leave she awakes and I giggle. She knows someone is there but does not know who. I blow her a kiss and leave.* Weather or not she felt the same thing last night I really don't know. I hope she did though.
Same shitty day. Went to school and did stuff. Had my friend John Dimick create some random statements in study hall. They included things like "Mr. Plum, in the ax, with the sewing machine" and some other ones I can not remeber right now. Then went to work and did stuff. The Josh and Sarah stopped over at my work and I gave them a tour of Jorgensen Conveyors. They were like "huh" and "okay" most of the time. Then they left and I finished up at work. Then went to Best Buy and picked up Kittie's new CD. Then on the way home, my tire blew. I thought I had a complete blow-out, but didn't. It was just low and the tire poped off the rim and became flat. My dad came and filled it up and we went back home. Then I got started on my "homework" (aka my web page) he he he.
Tuesday November 20th, 2001
Well, its just now Tuesday, and my mom caught me up late on the internet and took away my phone line. I'm going to install a phone jack in my room so that phone line won't matter much anymore. My mom thinks I sleep like a normal person. Psht! yah right. Never have, never will. Then someone tried to send me a backdoor virus, but my computer caught it. HA HA HA, too bad for them. And they think I'm stupid. Its about quarter after one right now and am bored as hell with Arina still on my mind and thoughts of wanting my phoneline back also are here. The only other thing I can think of is the weird email that I recieved from Arina. It says:
"I thank you graciously for signing my guestbook. Return if you like - never come back if you so wish.
May the moon stay at your back
~Moon Vampire
Page: http://www.darksites.com/souls/vampires/moonvamp/index.html
I was highly confused by this email more than I was about anything else. Did she read my page or is this something thats part of the automessanging thing of her page? All I know is I'm like.........AAAAAHHHHHHH.....damn it (how I'm feeling inside). I dunno if I am taking this to some extent that isn't really existing or whats going on. I wish I knew what was going on exacly. All I know is all these feelings are all mixed up now and they need to be straightened out, but by who. I can't talk to Arina because I would just turn completely shy. I could never talk to her about these feelings.......well, maybe under one condition. That condition would not be to get back together, it would be just for her to open up a little so then I might in turn open up too. I dunno, this is theoretical. Its almost like I still have to have her become trusted even though I already trust her.
I was so fuckin depressed and ashamed today. I had a weird feeling that she did read this page. I feared the worst. I didn't want her to view the page because I didn't want her to know how I feel about her. I usually keep these feelings cooped up inside of me and no one sees them. I tried to call Jerry to calm my nerves, but he wasn't home and Arina picked up. To hear that one voice again on the phone was both calming and making me happier. Then I remebered my web page and instantly became what I was feeling before. I wanna tell her how I feel, but I don't want her to know at the same time. DAMN, I wish I could figgure this whole thing out. I feel as if I am screwing things up yet we don't even have a relationship. As weird as that might sound. All I really need to know is how she feels towards me. All honest and truthful answers. If she doesn't feel the same for me then I'll just try to forget about her. I could never do anything to harm her or even anything else against her. I would never stalk anyone, especially Arina. I could never kill myself because she or anyone else liked me. I could never do anything to harm me or her or anyone else (besides my dad). All day all I felt was cold, empty, depressed, and ashamed. I know I shouldn't feel ashamed, but I am feeling ashamed. I never intended for Arina to read this. If I did I would have never put it on the web or it would have been passworded or something. Sigh, I just hope she never read this. And if she did, all I can say is "AWW FUCK!!!"
during the school day everyone was asking me what was wrong. Even people I didn't know. I told them all I was feeling was ashamed, and they would ask what about, and I would say some stuff. I drew up and down my arms again out of the depression and anxiety. I shut the world out from me and what was already in I kept in. I WISH I HAD SOME FUCKIN BALLS TO TELL ARINA HOW I REALLY FEEL!!! Damn it, I'm so contradictory of myself. I want her to read this, yet I don't want her to know how I feel towards her.
I finally figgured it out because I was able to look back at my journal. The message was just because I signed her guestbook not because she was sending a message. I feel relieved. Yet I still don't want Arina to read this at all, but its gotta go back on the web. I get a cold chill up my back every time I think of Arina at her computer reading this page. *shivers from the thought* I mentioned how I have been feeling towards Arina to my mom. She says, "What you're feeling is love. Sometimes it can be good, but other times it can be pretty shitty." Now that my mom said this I feel weird. Almost like, This is love? This is it? Feeling like this is love? It's more annoying than it is anything else. I wish I could get rid of it. I mean I've never felt like this before in my entire life. No one has ever made me feel this way. Why her? Why Arina? What is going on? All I can say is if Arina does not feel the same way it means I will just have to move on and find someone else where "love" plays its self out. I will not turn into some psycopath that stalks people and sends them letters and constantly calls them and doesn't know that it's over. Thats a psychopath. The most I would do is try to stay at least friends, but if they told me to buzz off, then I would.
Wednesday November 21st, 2001
Well, I'm up early again. I wonder why. If you don't know by now, you're pretty damn out of it. Even I'm not out of it that bad in the morning when I first get up. I came up with two lines that i have no real idea where they came from. "My heart has been broken and ripped out. The pieces have been thrown and scattered about." Wait, why the hell did I write that? I dunno. Sigh, now i'm wishing I had someone. :( I would like to know what Arina thinks but I don't have the guts to ask her. Must get mind off Arina. Well hopefully this weekend (Saturday) I will be going down to Arina's mom's house to get my computer finished cuzwe finally got my hard drive back. *chill up back causes me to shiver* DAMN IT, the thought came back again. Well, this page will be back up tomarrow because I think I have reached the point where if she and everyone else knows how I feel towards Arina, I really don't care because the only one I care about is Arina and her friends and stuff. But mostly Arina. What I really want to know the most is if Arina feels the same way, but I'm not going to call her at 12:27:21 AM. I would if I knew she was up and her dad wouldn't get mad. Wait a second, I'm just saying I would. In real life I would have chickened out and never called her. "RightGuard, its like the American sticky-stick" (Quote from 'The Real World') I feel so cold and empty and thats all I'm feeling right now. I was still planning on getting her a Christmas Present (Would have been Holloween but I was short a little bit of money and no one would borrow it to me). If you ask what it is then I might just tell you.
Had a pretty normal day today at school. What I thought was weird is today I gave Arina no thought and I wasn't depressed. I figgure anyways that she didn't feel the same. Maybe she did (chance like one in a billion), but most likely she didn't. I personally think she really likes Dan and Dan likes her. I know this for a fact, but he doesn't want his current girl friend to go psycho and do something to herself or anyone else. The other thing I can never understand is, why am I good at giving any type of advice but I blow more ass than a horny gay guy at giving good advice to myself. I always end up screwing up really really bad. Also, when I talk to girls on the internet and a lot of my friends say the same thing, that they can't figgure out why I don't have a girlfriend or at least girls jumping on me. I usually laugh and say, "That'll be a cold day in hell when that happens," or something to that extent. They say I have a really nice personality and that I always seem to put the important people in my life on top of even my own family. I have been in two relationships now and both failed. The first one was alright until the family came back home from our summer vacation trip to Colorado and Arizona. I found out during the two week time we were gone she foud someone new. She liked to jump from relationship to rekationship. She asked, and kept asking, if I was mad, and I said no, just a little saddened. I also told her that she has the free will to go out with whomever she pleases and has the freedom to do what she wants and not what I might have wanted. She replied with kind of a worry inside of her because most girls don't expect that kind of response. She asked yet again if I was mad and I stated that I was fine. "You sure?" she then asked. I replied, "Yah. Go have fun with your new boy friend." She looked puzzled but then said ok and left.
In both relationships I said the same thing to both girls and they had pretty much the same response, puzzled and then were ok with it. I like to give people free will. It's something never given to me by my parents, and just because I got it taken away from me doesn't mean I have to take it away from them. If I do the same thing py parents did to me I would end up turining into them and the cycle would never stop. I am stopping it right here. The other thing I am also trying not to do is turn into a raging maniac like my father. I never have done it, and I don't intend to. I want to break the continuous cycle. So far I have been successful and I intend to stay successful at it in the future. I have to say I am still confused about myself today. What's wrong with me. Maybe I finally realized that the thing I want most is something I will never achieve. Ohh well, gotta move on with my life and I should have done this before when we first broke up. Well I don't have much else to say for todays entry, but I'll keep this journal posted from now on and try to never take it down. I figgure it will help everyone I know a little better for them to know what I am feeling because I would never have the guts to tell them any of this. None of these feelings would be exposed if I didn't write this. They would all be contained inside of me and never get exposed to the people I care about the most. The other thing is that I just went back to my normal open to everyone self. What got lost today that will forever change me. I'm not depressed, or sad, or anything. All I really want is my fucking phoneline back so I can get on the internet.
I Look back at this journal and think its stupid and terribly written. It may show emotions, but it only shows the surface of them. I have never exposed those feelings to anyone. Absolutely no one. The one who can get those feelings out of me, that's the one I am going to marry, if they ever get that stuff exposed and out of me. I don't drink because I am afraid of opening up completely and not knowing what I was saying. And if someone remembered that, I'd be screwed. I keep so much hidden from the world and people that it begins to worry me about if they build up too much they will explode and come out the wrong way. You can't just ask to know these hidden feelings because I will just laugh and say I have none, or go what the hell are you talking about and mainly confuse you so you drop it really quickly. I DON'T SUGGEST TRYING, BUT IF YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IT OUT OF ME THEN JUST GIVE IT A TRY, BECAUSE YOU WON'T GET ANYTHING MUCH OUT OF ME. I feel this journal is shit and I don't know why anyone would want to read it at all.
My mom keeps thinking I've been grounded for two weeks when she said that if I missed a day that was set up with my English teacher she would ground me for a week. Well guess what, I miss it once and her crachhead shit thinks it's two weeks. And just because my dad has no clue what the hell is going, he enforces whatever she says. I swear that my mother is a winey bitch just because she was an only child. My dad has just always been a fuckin bastard. No real reason at all, just always has and, it seems, always will be. I work as an Engineering Youth Apprentice (I have the same rules and regulations as the other engineers). My dad thinks that even with the great starts of two jobs and then the job I have currently that I "will be flipping burgers at MacDonalds and making a little more than minimum wage." He also has a habbit of telling me I'm not going to amount to anything at all, yet everyone else I know has always said they could picture me in Bill Gates position. Now you know why I have no self confidence or self esteem. It's all been destroyed by my parents. Both of them. My mother always exagerates everything from helping me with my teachers at school, to me going out to a concert on the weekend. It's really getting on my nerves and I am going to just end up disobeying them and doing whatever the fuck I please. They can punish me, but after a while they will get sick of it and give up. I will ignore all the shit my dad would say and do to me after I did it. A big fuckin ass is what he is. I can't go to concerts because the feel that all that goes on there is drugs and drinking. Geez, what about all the music from the bands that I like? You two get to go to concerts and I don't. WHAT THE HELL
Another thing that drives me fucking nuts is when I get caught for doing something bad, I get my ass chewed out really bad by my dad and it takes forever for him to stop. Then if my brother did the same thing he would only yell at him to go to his room and think about what he did. WHAT THE HELL!! Why does my brother get off punishment so easily and I get off so hard and with the brunt of the punishment. 7 months and I am out of this fucking hell they call a home. I can't wait, but if my dad pushes me over my "edge" that 7 months might never come. I hope I don't do that, but there is a chance I might. And if I don't kill myself with the car, or he takes it away, then self-mutilation is the next best thing. I have done it before and I will do it again. Otherwise I'll just use the knife and end it. Then when they find this page and what I have written, I will have been laughing because they will say, "I don't know why our son would have done this." And if I could remain there in my soul form then I would be laughing and thinking, "BULL SHIT!! You know exactly what I was thinking and going to do. Knock off the shit both of you."
I HOPE ANYONE AND EVERYONE THAT READS THIS JOURNAL HAS A WONDERFUL DAY TODAY AND FOR THE MANY DAYS TO COME.
Thursday November 22nd, 2001
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!
Geez, every year I have to answer by my parents, "What are you thankful for?" I usually answer with, "Stuff. Family, friends, stuff. You know what I'm talking about." But when I say these things i don't feel anything. I am emotionless. I should feel something but I feel nothing. I always have felt nothing. At Christmas it's the same thing. Even on my birthday. No emotions, inside or shown. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Maybe I'm just a sick and twisted individual or something. I don't know. Well, it's about 9:35 AM and I'm going to go take a shower because I just got up and my dad made omlets (DAMN, THESE THINGS IS THE SHIT!!) for breakfast. My parents and my brother are watching the movie "Cats and Dogs." I didn't want to watch it. I'd rather sit at my computer the whole time like I normally do. Ohh well, gotta go take my shower. C Yah Latah!
God damn it. This is thanksgiving and I'm supposed to be thankful for things. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, yah right. The way my mother is in a pissy mood all the time (especially today) and the way my father is annoying everyone does not make me happy I have a family. On thanksgiving there is nothing to be thankful about. I look at what makes me happy in life is something to be thankful about. Right now I have nothing to be happy about. Sure as hell isn't my family (relitives I care about, but not my parents). My parents are both getting on my nerves and my brothers nerves. And this is thanksgiving. I'm still laughing. Today is just bull shit for everyone and I really wish today would just end. Every minute takes ten minutes in my mind. Time is extremely slow and I'm going crazy from that and my parents.
Friday November 23rd, 2001
Got up early and went up to see my great aunt. She's like 91 or something. GEEZ, how the hell can someone live that long. Then afterwards we went and ate lunch and stopped at some mall in Oshkosh called the Prime Outlet. I walked around a lot and noticed a hell of a lot of girls checkin me out. I was like what the hell most of the time because I couldn't figgure out why I seemed so appealing to them. I'M FUCKIN UGLY!! One of them I caught saying "damn" as I passed. I felt like everyone was looking at me. Then I went into a book store and curled up into a little ball and started to read a book because I couldn't stand everyone looking at me. Part of me was like "OHH YAH!! (a really little part) and the other part wanted me to go and hide (and that's what I did in the bookstore). The other thing that bothered me when I was at the mall was everywhere I looked there were happy couples (about my age) walking around and the were kissing and cuddling and stuff. I wish I had someone to do that with, but guess what, I DON'T! When cuddling came to mind, Arina didn't. WHAT THE HELL!! Weird, it just turned up blank. No one was pictured. Maybe I realized I can't get anyone. A lot of wierd shit goes through my mind, but a lot of it makes me think. If I wasn't so fuckin shy I probably could have taken advantage of the situation at the mall and gotten like 10 numbers, but I didn't because I was shy. WOW, I want someone but I'm too shy to talk to them. Great combination.
SWEET, I get to go to Arina's mom's house to get my puter finished. I love it over there more than I do my own house. Why the hell wouldn't I love it. Cable connection, resting and not doing a thing, and playing on computers. What more could I possibly ask for. Hmm, maybe someone to cuddle with to pass the time. That would be nice, but it's not going to happen. Ohh well, I've been dealing with it most of my life, what's a fiew more years (like 20) added to it.
It's 9:40 right now and someone or something is in my room. It was like a spirit or something. It is quick and it's playing around with me right now. Its futzing with my hair and trying to tickle me. It's 9:43, and its gone. WOAH, that was wierd.
As I sit here at my computer while midnight approaches. Many thoughts fill my mind and I wonder. Is Arina and Dan going to be more than friends? Maybe yes, maybe no. Whatever happenes I hope it's for the best and that Arina is happy. Whatever life shall intail, I hope that it is the best for her. Why am I still yet thinking about Arina.
ARINA
I know I can not obtain what I once lost
Once lost it can not be found
Once lost, the future will look alright
I hope that Arina sleeps well during the night
With Jerry curled up in a little ball
By the doorway that leads down that short hall
That leads from her room to another
The only thing that household is missing is a mother
With her father that locks the doors to his room at night
He leaves everyone else out and they stay out of his sight
While Arina has dreams that are filled with fright
I wish I was there to hold her tight
To take away that fear
And truely make it disappear
To fill her with hope and happyness
and take away all the depression and emptiness
To leave her with happy hopes and dreams
Ready to tackle whatever the world weams
All these things are wishes and don't always come true
But sometimes they do and those are a selected fiew
The chances are less than one in a million
Hell, they're more like one in a billion
But still I wait for that one chance to take
Before her father can cause her to break
I leave you with these thoughts to let you think
But I'm going to leave you with them and watch myself sink
Into the darkenss I go, way out of the world
As I sit on my bed al nicely curled
Waiting for the one chance for it to all come back
while my feelings are being kicked around like a hacky-sack
The chances are fiew and are very distant
But I'm willing to face the odds so I don't miss it
I am waiting for that day to come
I know I am acting completely dumb
To wait for these chances are totally foolish
So why do I constantly sit here and wait?
Tomarrow when I visit, I'm going to be wearing my big blue fuzzy shirt. I'm gonna wear it becasue I feel I can hide from all the feelings and tentions I have when I am anywhere, especially when Arina's around. I feel that all the feelings I feel towards Arina can be hidden in the "shell" that I create by wearing those clothes. When in my "shell" I don't interact with people and I stay alone and away from them. I like this because all my feelings then become hidden from everyone. If I didn't post this up every once in a while, none of my feelings would ever get exposed, EVER!! I feel that this journal is the place I can expose those feelings so they are easier to expose to other people. If I don't expose them they keep constantly building on themselves until it turns into too much to handle. And nothing good comes from too many feelings being built up inside.
Saturday November 24th, 2001
Well, I got up early (8:00) to get the recycling taken in and get ready to go to Arina's mom's house to get my computer finally finished. I hope Arina's not going to be there because then I'm just going to be shy and avoid her. I know I am doing it, but I can't stop it from happening. I wish I could. I think that me turning shy around her is what caused the break up in the first place. If Jerry would not have said that Arina wanted me to be her boy friend, then I would not have asked her to be it. I would never have had the courage to do that. If it wasn't for Jerry I would have never asked Arina out to homecoming. I would have never asked her out to the game, or anything else that required guts to do. I AM A COWARD!! I RUN AND HIDE FROM FEAR! I RUN AND HIDE FROM RELATIONSHIPS! I RUN AND HIDE FROM LOVE! I RUN AND HIDE FOR EVERYTHING BECAUSE I CAN NOT STAND UP FOR WHAT I BELIEVE! I AM A COWARD AND AT TIMES I WISH I COULD MAKE IT DISAPPEAR OR MAKE ME DISAPPEAR! AT TIMES I WISH I COULD DIE (mainly all the time)!
Just got out of the shower. I like showers a lot because I feel, like rain storms, they wash all the anxiety and pressures and depression and all my other feelings "dirty" the water and make me "clean" again. But like today, the best way to wash away the rest of it is to go out into the rain and "wash" them away there too. If Arina is there I might just go outside for a while if it is raining to "clean" myself. I am scared of Arina! Why I have no idea. I know she is a sweet, caring, saddened person that just needs someone. I wish I could fullfill that request, but I don't have the guts to and I don't want it to seem like I can't let go, so I avoid her. Weather or not she reads this and ever understands how I feel is completely up to her. Weather she comes back and wants a relationship is completely up to her. I still feel ashamed exposing this to her and everyone else, but it's the only way it would ever come out. If it wasn't in my journal, then the feelings would keep building inside until they were too much and exploded at the wrong time. I would really hate if that happened.
Home from taking in the recycling. I danced out in the parking lot in the rain and people were looking at me funny. They kinda had that look of "what the hell are you doing?" I didn't care, I just kept dancing in the rain. I'm all wet, but I had lots of fun. I like the rain a whole hell of a lot. Well, I must get ready for going to Arina's moms house and get my computer finished. C Yah
Went to Arina's moms house and got my computer finished. I am so happy that Arina wasn't there. If she would have been I would have been all shy and stuff and would have never talked to her at all. Mute and shy, that's how I would have been. Every day of my life I wish I was not like that and wish I could be more open with different people and not so shy all the time. It's simply a wish and nothing more. A wish can not come true that's why it is a wish. A wish is not obtainable, but it can be contained in your dreams. Dreams can be lost, and so can wishes. That's what makes them wishes and nothing more than a wish that can not always be obtained. Wishes are dreams, dreams fade with time, time is a constant, constants are forever, forever like the thought of you in my mind.
5:32 PM Someone was here and gave me chills up my back and it felt like a hug. I new someone connected with me bacause I felt the same woozyness that I do when I connect with people. I wonder if Arina just got done reading my journal or something. All I know is whatever just happened I like and wish it would happen again. But most likely it won't and there I will sit lonely like always.
I find it weird when people think that the basis of a relationship includes sex. Well I don't beleive this at all. I personnally could never see myself screwing a girl just for the good time. I just morally can't do it. I've had people before try to crack my morals and they have failed.
Sunday Novenber 25th, 2001
Sigh, it's sunday. My mom and my bother went to church this morning. I didn't go because I hate church. I was looking through my computer today and I found some of the IM's when I used to talk to Arina online. One of the messages is here. Everything in that conversation is true and I still do like Arina, a lot! As I continued to read this message, I became more depressed because I looked at who I was before (excited and happy), and who I am now (depressed and scared). I wish the old me would come back. I am still a sweet heart, but just a scared sweet heart. In any relationship the shyness comes from both me being scared of screwing something up (I have always been yelled at by my dad for doing little screw ups and I guess it has transfered into relationships I might have. I wish it wouldn't have.) and turning into my father (the one I hate so dearly). I guess those are the two things it comes down to. All I can say is Arina was special to me (she still is), the only thing that I have viewed as special. I don't know why, but I don't regret it at all. What happened in our relationship? I wish I knew. If someone knows, please send an email to me. Being cold, depressed, and empty is no fun. Especially when I have things to get done for homework and it is cold outside.
Monday November 26th, 2001
Today was a total "I don't know what the hell is going on" day. I was like huh most of the day and still am. Nothing is sticking in my head for very long. It stays there for about 5 to 10 minutes and then it is gone. I have felt "floaty'' all day (means my mental body was not with my physical body). Geez, now my dads all pissy because he doesn't understand that some RPG's take an hour of storyline to get to the next save point. Then he gets all pissy because he says he wants me to help and I ask a simple question of what with. Just to try to get an understanding of what he possibly wants (he usually explains what he wants as"the thing"). He just goes nuts and yells saying can't you do anything right. GOD DAMN IT DAD, I'm trying to be helpful and all you are doing is bitching at me. Well, I just remembered something from today. It was gym. We were bowling on a lane that didn't work correctly and sometimes we had to throw down three balls and would sometimes get a 6 on the first ball and a strike on the second ball (we're not talking frames here). It was totally whack. I almost had a turkey though.
Worked a little on Arina's web page. I created the things that she originally asked me if I knew how to do. I didn't have my pocket reference at the time so I couldn't help her. But I created it and sent it to her in an email. Hopefully she will use it dispite that I created it, or at least use it as a reference to exparament and create something on her own. Well, whatever
Went online tonight and found out that all my messages that I have ever put on Arina's page were gone. The signing of her bloodbook, the blood board messages, and all the other little messages I had left on her page. I think she might be mad at me. Why I have no idea, but it's going to bug me for a while. I'd like to ask her why they are gone but have absoluely no courage to do so. I think I might have enough courage to talk to her on the phone, but not face to face. I wonder if she is mad at the things I have put in this journal. If she hates the feelings I feel for her. Maybe she is mad because I once was open and now am closed. I will see when I go to the teen center on friday. Hopefully I will have enough courage to ask her what has been going on lately with her.
Tuesday November 27th, 2001
Today, the only thing I thought about and kept trying to figgure out is why Arina keeps deleting the entries I put on her web page. I put my name in her guest book with the link to my page (people saw the entry there) and now it's gone. When I last talked to her (for like 3 minutes online) when her brother left the computer, she didn't talk at all and I think she might have been mad at me. Why she was mad at me, I have no idea. If it was from my journal entries, if she is trying to completely get rid of me from her mind and can't, or if she hates me because I like her. I am too much of a coward to call her up and ask her. I called once and the line was busy. I called a second time and no one answered. I would have been speechless if I would have heard her voice. She would have hung up because I would have never replied with the hello that would have come from her mouth. I disabled my journal because I thought the expression of feelings in it might have been too much for her or anyone else. It's not like I won't stop keeping my journal, I'm just taking it down. I accually am starting to regret going out. I never showed the true me to Arina. The side that is never shown on the internet. The side I am in real life. The shy and scared side of me. I am shy and scared when it comes to things like commitment and love (never really experienced it before). I also think that Arina is so mixed up and dosn't know what she wants in life. I'm not trying to be mean, but she has absolutely no direction. She is lost and needs to be found. I think she was found from being lost by Dan. Dan seems to be the one she wants, but she is unsure if he is what she really wants.
I am so mixed up right now. I don't know what to feel. I feel happy, then I feel pissed off, then I might feel depressed, finally I might feel suicidal. Right now I am in the suicidal state. Life does not matter, it is useless. I don't know, I am totally mixed up right now I don't know what to feel.
I realized by putting this thing on the web that I was doing more harm then I was any good. Arina did not want my feelings towards her on the web. She hated it when Jusin sent her emails all the time. I feel so bad right now that I did something Arina hated. If she hates me now and never wants to talk to me I can now understand why. I ALWAYS FUCK UP ON EVERYTHING!!! I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT!! I have failed ant life, and people say that it is impossible to do. Well they're wrong, I do fail at life. Everything in my life has always been a failure. Family, friends, school, relationships, everything. The better question to be asking is what don't I fail at. Hmm, lets see. I fail at EVERYTHING!! I have always fucked up on everything I have ever done. Hell, Arina's not appealed by what I say in my journal, she is REPULSED!! ME = FAILURE
Look at me, this is the way my father has destroyed me. Look at the level that he has brought me down to. His own level. But what he says is true, I am a big failure. I can't do anything right. Life is always questionable. Should I live or should I die? Every day that question goes through my mind. There is nothing else to say in this entry except that I am a failure. Two relationships (one didn't even seem like one. Which was the one with Arina), both I have failed at. Hmm, I smell FAILURE comin'. Who could the dunce train be coming for this time? ME
I BID TODAYS ENTRY A FAILWELL!! GOOD DAY EVERYONE!!
Wednesday November 28th, 2001
Today started out blowing, but then after English class I went outside for lunch. The school's jerk (John Otte) and his fucker friends started to piss me off while I meditated on the schools front lawn. I decided to really fuck him up by both stealing his energy, and causing him to feel like shit. What I wanted to happen, happened. He started to feel like shit and started to really get tired. Then during study hall, he randomly fell out of his chair. We're not talking a just I leaned back and fell out. I'm talking about a fall out of the side of the chair and it was a complete wham on the floor. I laughed hysterically after it happened. He got what he had coming to him. I felt like telling him at the end of the day, "How's the floor. Is it nice. If you don't leave me alone next time it will be worse. UNDERSTAND?" It was just so funny because it was totally random. Hard hit to the floor. He he he, and he doesn't know that I was the one who did it. I'm debating if I should tell him off tomarrow and tell him if he doesn't knock it off, I'm going to do it again. I found out today that the best time to manipulate the energy is when I am feeling like I am lighter than air, like I am floating.
This weekend I'm going to be going down to my cousin's house and teaching him and maybe his sister about how to build web pages. I'm not that bad at it either. I mean look at my site and I'm still making it better every day. Hopefully I can get everything done in the aloted time given. If not, I can come down to his house another time and finish it up.
Thursday November 29th, 2001
Well, it's already Thursday and I'm not sleeping yet. I have been working hard on my web page and Justin's (my cousin) site too. I have been getting more accompleshed on mine then I have on Justin's. Well, since I'm bored I might as well put what I am feeling right now in it. DAMN THAT ANNETTE CHICK AT SCHOOL IS FUCKIN HOT!! Although I'd never have the courage to ask her out. Maybe Josh or Sarah will put in a good word for me. I don't know. Whatever happens, happens. I play life as it is delt. I have been feeling lately that I am not in control of my life, and I would like to be in control of it. I am getting quite tired so I end this entry till I get up in about 4 hours for school. GOOD NIGHT ALL!!
I did my routien differently this morning and my parents (especially my dad) got in a really pissy mood. I'm like god damn it. I'm incharge of me not you and if I feel like doing a little change in the morning then I will. DAMN THAT ANNETTE CHICK AT SCHOOL IS FUCKIN HOT AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING THAT
Went to school and did stuff. Nothing exciting. Went to work, nothing exciting there eather. Then left work and went to Josh's house and watched Sweaty play MGSII (Metal Gear Solid II) and that seemed like a cool game. I don't have PS2 yet, and don't plan on getting it. Then I talked to Josh for a bit about Annette (Looks kinda like Arina, but she like the home version of her)
Friday November 30th, 2001
did stuff and then wet to the teen center and did stuff
Saturday December 1st, 2001
I was tired when I did my entry for yesturday, but I'll fill you in now on what happened. I went to the teen center and met up with Jordan, Jason, James, and a bunch of other people I didn't know the names of. We hung out there at the center. I was pretty bored and waked around a lot. Then I talked to James and we laughed that Dan's girl friend has no clue. He he he, I'm still laughing from it. All I can hope is that Arina's happy with Dan, and I hope they become more than friends, and that Dan's girl friend doesn't do something stupid to herself or to Dan or anyone else.
Well, I must be leaving in a bit to take home one of Alex's friends. Then we leave for "church", he he he, and then go to the teen center for a wild night of fun.
Went to the teen center and apparently it was band night. It's where local bands come and play their music. The last band was the best out of all of them. I'm going to be getting going and finishing up this journal entry because I have a partially collapsed left lung (5th time it has happened and I and getting sick of it). I am tired and become winded easily. IT FUCKIN SUX!! So I might be leaving this journal entry quite short because I for one do not want to make it boring and two, I don't really want to stay up and write more in it. I would much rather sleep. Sorry everyone, but i am tired and winded. I will make it all up tomarrow in Sundays journal entry. All I am right now is tired and I wished I had someone to hold, someone to love, to feel loved back. This is only a wish and nothing more. Everyone now is going to think I want Arina back. I DON'T! I just want someone to be with. I don't care who, just someone. I will most likely type up some type of poem out of my lonelyness because I can't sleep.
I bid everyone a good night, a sweet dreams, and a sleep well tonight. GOOD NIGHT ALL!!
Sunday December 2nd, 2001
Well, nothing exciting today will happen. All I am right now is tired, bored, needing someone to hold and cuddle, depressed, and needing to finish my homework. Although this is how I usually feel, today is not at all different.
FINAL NOTE: The things in my journal reflect how I am accually feeling. The thoughts that go through my head are what I put. I don't want to change anyones views or opinions of me because of the things that I put in here. The opinions expressed in this journal were in no way meant to harm the feelings of another person. If they are please contact me at ChrisKaspr@hotmail.com and I will take the things out of the page. My journal is nothing else than a place to express my feelings so they do not become bottled up inside and cause me to pop at an undesireable time.
